I wasn’t planning to stop writing.
It just happened.
I had no idea how prophetic to my very near future this post would be.
When I wrote it, I was not planning to stop writing for over a year.
I wasn’t planning on stopping everything creative.
Art, music, dance, writing were all getting difficult when I penned those words fourteen months ago. Life had been amassing a strange amount of suffering that seemed to mount and get worse as each month passed, in every area of my life. It was strange to experience the havoc it rained on my creative outlets. Normally a good amount of melancholy is GREAT for creating. Especially writing songs.
But when I wrote that post, I had not experienced the worst of the betrayals yet. I had not had my breath taken away.
But it came, just a short time after writing my questions about art and honesty. How do you be a transparent artist when life is hard? How do you write about real things when they affect other people? How do you create when there is a type of pain that kills creativity?
My answer became “sometimes I can’t.” And all the writing, public and private, as well as the music, stopped.
One of my best friends quoted “Bye Bye American Pie” in his graduation speech (or at least I remember, he wanted to.. did that happen? I forget!) a long time ago. I have no idea what it had to do with graduation or why he tried so hard to get it into his speech. In an odd familiarity, I felt that line: “the day the music died” came to life for me last year.
A bunch of rock and roll legends didn’t get taken out of music last year. Instead, a very small time guitar player put her instruments, songs, and writing habits on hold and didn’t touch them again for a long time.
I always thought people who swore sounded rather stupid. It was this arrogance that kept me with a squeaky clean vocabulary for most of my life.
I discovered swearwords. Sometimes pain is so much that you will give up expressing yourself for a long time in anything other than swearwords. I became one of the stupid people.
But now, I am back. I probably won’t tell you much. I’m still one of the stupid people. Nothing is fixed. The pain is less but still there and more faceted than I knew last year. I am aware of more loss than when the lost moments happened. I am going to try to start writing again however.
It’s Easter. Easter is about resurrection and hope. Resurrection is what I have needed the last 14 months.
I need resurrection and hope in my life and I can’t conjure them up myself.
Oh, and welcome to my new domain. Thanks for joining me as I emerge from a really long creative nap.